Don't walk backwards

In my opinion, regret is the easiest way to break yourself down.  Even in a moment of complete and total happiness, if you begin thinking about all the things you've done wrong, it changes your entire mood in no time at all.  These days, I'm really trying to work on not regretting things.  Not to say that I can stop doing things that I will regret one day or one year later, but that I trying to stop thinking about these things.  I know all the mistakes that I have made in my lifetime and I see every mistake I make every day, but I can't focus on those. I need to work on moving forward and doing fewer things that I won't want to remember in ten years, rather then think about what I have done in the last ten years.
One thing I have a bad habit of being disappointed in is people I used to be friends with.  Her name is Jody--yes I will be using names, these are my thoughts so I will use real names--she used to be my best friend.  What I mean by that is that she was about my only friend.  I hated it.  She wasn't even a good friend to me.  She didn't listen and I never got the feeling that she actually cared about me.  Maybe she did, maybe not, it doesn't matter at this point in time.  We stopped being friends at the end of August of 2010.  I spent about two weeks after that in one of those "who are my friends, who am I, I'm socially awkward" stages.  But, fortunately, I got out of that.  I branched out and I made more friends.  I still don't know just who I am and what I'm supposed to do, but I learn more everyday.  I've spent months regretting that friendship, but now I'm trying not to anymore.  I can't change what happened in the past, all I can do is realize what I didn't like in that relationship and learn from it.
Everyday I do things that I regret moments after.  I can't say what they are, I'm not at a point in my life when I can openly tell everyone what they are, but it kills me that I regret them, but I just can't seem to change.  Maybe one day I will be able to tell you all what those mistakes are so that hopefully you can learn from my mistakes so that you don't make them yourself--you don't want to.  
But, one thing I refuse to regret is confiding and trusting people.  Sometimes, its true that trusting someone wasn't the best idea, but you can not get mad at yourself if they tricked you into thinking that they were trustworthy.  It was a moment that they took advantage of you being vulnerable.  Don't regret that.  I told Ryan about one of those problems I can't put on here now, and he was there for me.  He didn't think I was some freak with way too many issues to talk to, he was there for me.  You would be surprised at how much support you find when you just learn to trust people and let them know how you're feeling and doing.  In the same way, when you learn to trust God and admit that you have problems and need help, He will be there and He will show you that He is trustworthy.  I learned an important point yesterday 
" ¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; 
   he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
 ¹⁹ The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;
²⁰ he protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken"
Psalm 34.
So, God will never put you through something you can't handle.  And he is just waiting for you to trust Him and tell Him your struggles.  All He wants is for you to trust Him enough and He will be there to help you through.
This got a little longer then planned and rambly but the points I wanted to make are these:
~don't make yourself live with regrets, you can't change the past, only learn for the future
~trust people, they will surprise you
~trust God and He will help you
~every trouble and struggle that is put in your life will help you move forward
~LEARN

One of those days

These are the days.  The days I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.  I know i hurt myself with the choices I make but I don't know how to get out of it.
Today, we had a Good Friday chapel at school.  A girl gave a testimony all about being raped, drinking, self image and all sorts of struggles like that.  It really struck me. I had held it all together until my friend Lindy went to give me a hug.  I completely lost it and started sobbing on her shoulder.  Then I was crying on Annie and Grace and I didn't know what to do.  Lately everything's been a struggle.  Boys are dumb and just don't care about me and it makes me so angry.  He ignores me and doesn't act like he cares about me in any way whatsoever.  I'm struggling with grades and the way that I look at myself.  I can't seem to get out of the way that I view myself.  Everything seems wrong and I know that it's wrong but I can't help it.  I just can't seem to get it through my head that God completely loves me.  I find it so hard to believe that God did for ME.  It just seems so impossible that I find it so hard to believe.  How is that true?
I'm hoping that, after my breakdown today, and skipping an hour and a half of practice with Annie, Coach, and Grace, I hope that I can move forward and get over t his.  Maybe, it will just take time.  It seems that that is what everything needs.  Time.  How do I even stay patient and persevere for long enough that I actually get through this.  Maybe, this is one of the times when I will learn to completely rely on Christ.  All I know, is that I can try as hard as I can and hope that he will do the rest.

Secrets

What I don't understand, is why we all have so many secrets.  It seems that we have more things hidden than things out in the open.  Most conversations these days begin with the statement "don't tell anyone I told you this, but..." or "I'm not supposed to know/tell you this, but..."  Why is it that we keep things from everyone?  I want to just put everything out in the open, and to know things about other people, too.  The world would have so much less corruption if everyone just learned to be honest and speak their mind.
But, if I said that I do exactly that, I would be a hypocrite, and a liar.  I don't do that.  I have secrets.  I have things I can't tell anyone and things I'm ashamed about.  I have things about myself I wish I could change, but I can't; they're my secrets.
But the funny thing about secrets is this: secrets are power, but they shouldn't be.  They are a sign of trust and belief in someone.  And yet, they are used for blackmail and all sorts of ugly things.  It's odd how as soon as you tell one person your "secret" all of a sudden, the whole world knows.  Even if you specifically say "don't tell anyone", someone is going to find out and spread it around.  It's just sad how these days it seems that we can't trust any other people around us, at least that's how it is for me.  I'm afraid of things getting back to the wrong people or for the world to find out my problems.
But lately, I've been trying to work on something.  I've been trying to take all my secrets to God.  Who better to keep them all hidden and safe?  I am beginning to truly, actually, believe that He cares about me and that He actually wants what's best for me.  It's an overwhelming feeling: to feel truly and completely loved, cared for, and looked after.  No matter what I do or how many times I completely mess up, I can always go running right back into His arms and know that I am safe.  But, this isn't what I do all the time, unfortunately.  I kick and scream (figuratively) and I refuse to take His hand and let Him help me up.
Most of the time, secrets are best given to God.  Not to say that every single person out there isn't trustworthy.  Maybe, I'm just too cautious and careful.  But, I'm learning that I don't have to be careful with God.  He knows all of my flaws and loves me despite them.